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November 7th, 2007

05:35 pm - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Yeah I am about ready to scream.... She drives me absolutly crazy... but yet she means the whole world to me plus some more.... i dont think i will ever understand.... >< I hate her MOOD SWINGS you either do want to talk to me or you dont not maybe later... say yes or no... I would prefer a fucking no over maybe later *signs off* Current Mood: aggravated

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October 20th, 2007

06:08 pm - Haven't been around here for a while Yeah I haven't been around. Haven't really cared to be around. Go figure... I just haven't cared for much. We are falling apart she agreed it is so. But we are still here together. Still fighting. For how long? I believe in us but, I don't know I am listening to the song 'Asleep' by The Smiths.... It makes a lot of sense in my mind... I like it... Been reading 'The Perks of Being a Wallflower.' Its a good book. Very good indeed... there is a poem in it that is 100% heart felt. It kind of made me shiver. Here it is... 'Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines he wrote a poem And he called it 'Chops' because that was the name of his dog And that's what it was all about And his teacher gave him an A and a gold star And his mother hung it on the kitchen door and read it to his aunts That was the year Father Tracey took all his kids to the zoo And he let them sing on the bus And his little sister was born with tiny toenails and no hair And his mother and father kissed a lot And the girl around the corner sent him a Valentine signed with a row of X's and he had to ask his father what the X's meant And his father always tucked him in bed at night And was always there to do it Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines he wrote a poem And called it "Autumn" because that was the name of the season And that's what it was all about And his teacher gave him an A and asked him to write more clearly And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door because of its new paint And the kids told him that Father Tracey smoked cigars And left the butts on the pews And sometimes they burnt holes That was the year his sister got glasses with think lenses and black frames And the girl around the corner laughed when he asked her to go see Santa Claus And the kids told him why his mother and father kissed a lot. And his father never tucked him in bed at night And his father got mad when he cried for him to do it Once on a paper torn from his notebook he wrote a poem And he called it "Innocence: A Question" because that was the question about his girl And that's what it was all about And his professor gave him an A and a strange steady look And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door because he never showed her That was the year Father Tracey died And he forgot how the end of the Apostle's Creed went And he caught his sister making out on the back porch And his mother and father never kissed or even talked And the girl around the corner wore too much makeup That made him cough when he kissed her but he kissed her anyway because that was the thing to do And at three A.M. he tucked himself into bed his father snoring soundly That's why on the back of a brown paper bag he tried another poem And he called it "Absolutely Nothing" Because that's what it was really all about And he gave himself an A and a slash on each damned wrist And he hung it on the bathroom door Because this time he didn't think he could reach the kitchen' That's it. It is quite sad. But it has a lot of feeling behind it. I feel like I am falling apart... But everything in me is screaming for me to keep my head held high... and that I have been trying to do. I feel like I have lots all sense of dignity. Since I left Shepherd Hill my mind has deteriorated. I have become a hall wanderer, and my muscles no longer exist. It's a fairly sad story... but I am trying my best to build myself back up into something. Hopefully I can manage to do it. I don't know how much more of this constant crying i can take. I feel like nothing but the shadow of a person in this house. I feel like no one listens. No one hears when I cry myself to sleep at night. No one sees the feelings I hide inside. One person in this world sees it all... and bit by bit she is slipping away from me. I think that is the end of my sick sad story. I'll be back to write more in a matter of days. I can't take the yelling that continues to go on here. Current Mood: uncomfortable

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July 21st, 2007

05:23 pm - felt like taking a break ive been reading all afternoon i got Deathly Hallows last night.. well at closer to 1:15 this morning but it was well worth it. the book has an amazing beginning like no lie it started out stronger than any of the others have... im only on the sixth chapter but still it has been amazing. the run was today so i am home all alone today until the after party whenever thet is ggunna be when i have a bunch of drunk fools here. thet will suck... but oh well i have my book and i am completely happy. ill probably be up alll night reading. after i finish it i am gunna read all seven over again. i just cant get enough of harry potter what can i say. ^^ Current Mood: geeky

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July 17th, 2007

07:37 pm - well today wasnt as bad as i thought it was gunna be. yeah i thought today was gunna be dreaded hrrible but it wasnt that bad... i got to see jaqi. she harassed the hell out of me and punched me in the head... but i deserved thet.... ^^... so remind me again why i am so in love with thet kid? eh who the fuck cares... but yeah hanging out with karen playing slingo? yeah i think thet was it and the idiot test and everything. hahaha but yeah today turned out alright. ^^ i love my babe. ^^ Current Mood: content

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12:48 pm - eghfsdjghfsdf fuck fred Current Mood: crushed

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July 15th, 2007

08:29 pm - my heart is choking me Seriously does no one see thet i am standing here screaming on the inside. people ask me whats wrong i say i am fine but really im not my heart is screaming in pain. i cant believe no one sees it. its been like this for two days. it is so awful all i have wanted to do is cry. so ive done it. ive hid in my room and cried. ldskf jksdhf kjdshf. stupid stupid house.... i need to get away Current Mood: numb

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05:03 pm - 4-10-07 a permenant scar in my heart the last two days have been really quite hard on me and i dont know why. i have had Nick on my mind. ive cried a ton and i drew a new tattoo i think it might be the basic idea for the tattoo i want to get in his memory. i dont think mom wants me to get it. but i want to. he meant alot to me. we might not have hung out ALL the tim ebut he meant alot to me. i dont want people to doubty thet i cared about him. I am not a liar i do care about him i always have. im nt like some people who say things to make it look like i was super close to him... because i wasnt. but i was close enough to him to be torn apart by his death. he was my hero and i don twant anyone to doubt thet. i will admit they we werent the best of friends... but we were friends. we did talk and there were times thet we hung out... and i swear to god the next person thet tells me they dont think i was his friend is going to get punched in the face. i am sick of hearing thet i am a liar because i am not. i went to his memorial and cried like a baby.... i went to his funeral... and i cried some more. when i found out he was dead i broke out into histerical tears... i mean what else could i possibly do to prove thet i cared about him. i want my tattoo in a place where EVERYONE can see it. i am going to get it no matter what anyone says I'll always remember Current Mood: crushed

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July 14th, 2007

11:29 pm - an upside down day i dont really feel like talking to anyone right now... no one other than jaqi... but i seriously need it. i need to talk... im going mad otherwise. i broke down into an awful fit or tears when i read Nicks obituary... i miss thet kid so much. he was so amazing. no doubt about thet. my hero indeed. i miss jaqi. last night was great. it made my life. i was happy up until the point thet jenn lizz and amanda got here... cause they are here for marc paul and matt... and mom.. god damn i considered them friends. but they never talk to me anymore.... and i dont get included in anything with them... or anyone in this house for thet matter. im sick of being ignored i feel like i dont matter to anyone. its awful. im sick of it. i started cleaning my room. i am almost done. too bad no one will be around to see it when it is finished. no david no jaqi... just mom and scott i dont care really about them... i want some one i care about to see it and be proud of me... for actually haviing done something good. but nope... i am completely cut off from my world... from my life. i am stuck in this prison cell i am suppose to call home. eh ... make it go away... please? no...? ok... i guess ill just suck it up and deal... or ill just cry it all out until i fall asleep. hmmm thet sounds very depressing... but like an ok idea. maybe then things wont hurt so bad. being with jaqi just feels so... great. i am really quite happy with her. i hope things turn oout good for us. 4 months yesterday. sigh... i am so like ehhhh today. i hate it.. it is one of those i want to run away and never come back feelings. i am quite hungry.... but i think if i eat anything i might get sick. but... ill at least try to eat before i go to bed. dont know ho wit will work out... but ill try. i dont think i have very much more to say. so i am gunna go. 4-4-88 Nicolaos Andrew Dubois 4-10-07 Current Mood: numb

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July 10th, 2007

10:28 pm - Yeah today was yet ANOTHER "wonderful" day. Yup so this is life and it sucks i am so sick of it. people suck. this house sucks. im so sick of scott he is being suck a prick! jksadfh skjhf iwkajehdrajgsdjhauyfasg!!!! yes thet is right... oihsf aksjxfnsgfxabhbsdmhncshfjgfnasgxjdgs!!!! but yeah moving on my dog no longer has flees.. im still excited about my glasses next week ill be able to see again. i might be able to see the love of my life tomorrow... i sure as hell hope at least havent seen her in over 2 weeks... it is really quite lame!!!! i miss her so much. i think i am gunna say fuck college join the military get out of the military whenever i get out... and become a fricken queer stand up comedian with fairy. we would put on a good show im sure... id pay to see us for sure.!!!! but yeah anyway my twitch is back its sort of frustrating. but i manage. yeah... im sick of paul telling my dog to shut up if he would just stop and say hi to her she wouldnt bark. stupid fuck face... and just a side note to all of this I FUCKING HATE FRED!!!!!!!! stupid jerk. he cant trust us... noooo... of course not... stupid stupid stupid fuck face jerk. I miss fairy! i miss my love. i hope i can go to the movies with karen. thet would be good. get me out of the house for a while. thet would be amazing. and i hope fairy and i do go swimming tomorrow. but yeah moving on i want to get my first tattoo.... yup wanna get my ink.. but anyway i think my rants are done... yeah i ran out of rant.... but i am still irate!!!! I love you now, and I'll love you always. 3-13 Current Mood: irate

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July 9th, 2007

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June 29th, 2007

08:43 pm - stupid fucking life this day has been so rediculous i cant wait to get out of here tomorrow. gone for a whole week thet will be like heaven for me. So fabulous no brother no mother no scott. what more could i ever ask for i get away from hell. 7 dyas away from this place will be amazing. ^^ sigh stupid fucking errr im so sick of being here i was suppose to go driving but no of course not thet got completely blown out of the water... dont ask me to do things before you know if you are going to get distracted. yeah no sense was made out of thet. whatever i dont care. i dont feel good. work out time? push ups.... crunches. hmm no sleep tonight. probably not. whatever. i dont care this life is shit. who cares i dont dont. fuck this life. im done for the night Current Mood: disappointed

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June 28th, 2007

10:48 pm - I hate EVERY moment I spend away from you my love. So this is my first post in god only knows how long i went through and took people off my friends. added fairy. life is so difficult sometimes i just cant stand it. its nuts. but hey what can i say it may be nuts but i am some what happy with it. i have a decent life. i mean yeah i hate where i live but i have the greatest friends. and a wonderful girlfriend. what more can i ask for right now? im happy. i like being happy. but i miss Fairy and my girlfriend. ive been so tired its awful all ive done is sleep and come on line. it sucks majorly. cant sleep anymore i hate it. Current Mood: discontent

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